In the Middle, Or Nowhere

Ever hear of being neutrois? According to Micah from Neutrois.com:

There is no one definition on Neutrois, since each person that self-identifies as such experiences their gender differently. The most commonly used definitions are [neutral-gender, null-gender, neither male nor female, genderless, agender …]

Neutrois is understood as a non-binary gender identity that falls under the genderqueer and/or transgender umbrellas.

What is Neutrois?

Long before I transitioned, I identified as agender, as I didn’t know how to feel about being male or masculine. I only knew I didn’t identify as a woman, feeling uncomfortable with having breasts and gynecological reproductive organs. I was 4 years out of the most toxic point in my life, still trying to figure myself out while raising my kid, working, going to college.

Circa 2013. I will identify somewhere between “stone butch” and agender for two years before finally transitioning.

I wasn’t cisgender, but I couldn’t quite identify as transgender often, either. The whole concepts of sex and gender were quite foreign to me at this point, to the point I wondered why people put so much stock into it, why it was even needed, that I took it as a social construct farther than many would conceive.Was I non-binary? That’s still an argument among agender individuals.

Testosterone changed all that for me. Within days of my first shot in 2014, I finally could feel that masculine energy clearly. It was cathartic. It was liberating. As much as I also felt asexual up to that point, feeling both a libido and a physical sexual attraction for the first time also finally felt like a hole was filled.

There are days I wonder if I am neutrois, as my body has neither big identifier of either sex, no breasts nor penis, and because I exhibit androgynous behaviors. But we must not confuse expression and behaviors with identity or essence. We must not confuse surgeries and other medical aspects of transition that get done/not done with gender identity. We must remember that sexual and romantic orientations are separate from gender identity.

I’m not a transmasculine, agender individual who uses male pronouns. I am a trans man, because that’s how I am. Your identity can change over time, or your journey of self-discovery may lead you to think you are one thing, only later on to realize it may not quite be that initial thing, but something else entirely. Do not self yourself short, not do not let others tell you how you should or shouldn’t identify. Take your time, and enjoy the ride. If it stresses you out that much … please, find a therapist. There’s even an app for that now.

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