Jennie is a lesbian woman. She says she is only sexually attracted to women who are biologically female and have vaginas. She therefore only has sex and relationships with women who are biologically female.

Jennie doesn’t think this should be controversial, but not everyone agrees. She has been described as transphobic, a genital fetishist, a pervert and a “terf” – a trans exclusionary radical feminist.

—BBC, “The lesbians who feel pressured to have sex and relationships with trans women”.

It should not be controversial, saying that you only want to date women with vaginas, or men with penises. It is not “transphobic”, and I say this as a transsexual man. It is not a fetish, not a perversion, not bigotry.

Lesbians have to deal with the byline, “Well, you just haven’t met the same man yet”. Now they have to deal with trans “women” who use essentially that same dick energy.

In the same vein that all encounters should be consensual, if you’re “trans” and you continue to pressure someone to date you after they say “no”, amounts to sexual harassment.

Lesbians especially have to worry about pregnancy. It doesn’t matter if the “trans” woman is taking HRT or not. One of the best things lesbians cite about same-sex relationships (regarding with other cissexual lesbians) is the lack of risking unplanned pregnancies. If they are pressured into having a physical relationship with a “trans lesbian”, they risk pregnancy.

“I can hear their male vocal cords. I can see their male jawline. I know, under their clothes, there is male genitalia. These are physical realities, that, as a woman who likes women, you can’t just ignore.”

—Amy, from the same article

The same goes for being a straight, transsexual man. I am attracted to cissexual women who have those soft jawlines, soft voices, curves. I don’t want be dealing with the realities of male genitalia; I find them gross, and it would make having sex uncomfortable to me, and shouldn’t be sex comfortable for everyone involved? Yes, there’s compromise, but one person should not have to give up everything to comfort the other, with nothing in return.

At the same time, I understand it works both ways. Many cissexual, straight women want men with penises, not vaginas, especially if they want to marry and have kids some day. I totally understand why they would reject me physically and “just stay friends”.

Just like we have preferences for curvy or petite women, men with strong jawlines, tall or short people, we have have preferences for genitalia. When it comes to wanting to spend a lifetime (or just a long period of time) with someone, we also want to make sure we are and remain physically attracted to them, along with being emotionally and mentally compatible with them. I don’t like the idea of dating someone, only to end up not looking forward having sex with them, and this would encourage infidelity. (I am saying this as a monogamist, as I want a monogamous relationship; if you’re polyamorous and polyfidelist, that’s a whole different story, not one I can tell or have an opinion on.)

At the same time, I refuse to date “lesbians” who say they date women and “trans men”. You are only a lesbian if you’re only attracted to other women. If you are attracted to men in any capacity, you are bisexual/pansexual. I should not have to compromise my manhood just so you can continue to profess your sexual orientation.

People might not date me because I’m short, because I’m fat, because I have mental health issues, because of my vagina. I’m completely fine with that. Dating and relationships are both personal and interpersonal, but we should not guilt someone and label them as bigots because they’re not physically attracted to us. Someone who is clearly into health and fitness does not want to date someone fat; that’s not “fat phobic”, it’s about lifestyle compatiblity, and if one partner works hard to remain healthy, it makes sense they’d want a partner who equally values their health that much. Someone who’s able-bodied may not want to play care-taker for the rest of their lives to someone who’s physically disabled; that’s not “abelist”. Some people want to date within their own ethnic group, especially if they want to pass on their heritage and culture if they are an immigrant in a foreign country; that’s not “racist”.

The same trans women who complain about “chasers” now complain when people don’t want to date them. This confuses the shit out of me. Do you want people to find you attractive, or not??

Dating preferences are not discriminatory. If someone and I are dating, we should be comfortable with each other without any pressure to continue the relationship. Any form of coercion, otherwise, amounts to sexual harassment and abuse. Love should be about hearts, not parts; but once you guilt and pressure someone after they say no, then it’s no longer love at that point.

As they say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea”.

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