Sometimes the sensation is still there. My brain thinks something is there, but in reality nothing. I could get something done about it, but do I want to?

I mean phalloplasty. (Metoidioplasty isn’t an option.)

Despite the various ideas of where scientists think may cause transsexualism, here is my anecdote. My brain believes my body should be male, despite being born female. The biggest cause of physical dysphoria after my chest was both my reproductive organs and genitalia.

I went for what should’ve been bottom surgery four years ago today. Messed up, oversized ovaries prevented my surgeon from performing any kind of reconstruction after my gynecological organs were removed. Too much blood loss. A follow-up and a second opinion recommended that getting metoidioplasty wouldn’t work because I didn’t have enough “growth”.

This would be the start of some much-needed emotional growth and maturity. It would take a very, very long time to content myself with living with a vagina.

I sometimes still deal with people who will insist I will never be “man enough” until I get phalloplasty, but until doctors can deliver something more than a hanging meatsack, I’m good. Sometimes I still think about going back to my surgeon and getting things done. I have the savings, the health insurance, the ability to claim short-term disability to live off of as I recover. I just don’t want to give up plumbing that works alright, for something with a high medical complication rate, and won’t work as well as the real deal.

My body will never fully heal until I can get a penis, but I can live with my vagina.

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